I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
