That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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