my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize