Will you blow on my dice?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
