I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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