I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
