I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
