I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
