I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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