I was born with a shot glass in my hand
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
