Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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