FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
