i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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