OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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