I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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