I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
this hospital has no fireball
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
