i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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