who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
