Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
