mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
