i'm lost and i look like a hooker
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
