I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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