well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
