I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
