i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
