He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
