Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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