Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
3pm strippers are depressing
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
