well I can't set my house on fire every night
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
