I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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