just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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