Your favorite bartender is back from prision
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
