I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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