my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
