There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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