my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
