nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
