break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
