Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
