Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
