You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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