All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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