So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
