note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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