Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
