highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
