I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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