I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
