I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
