now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize