For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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