Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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