I wish my penis had an off switch
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
