If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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