Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think i got beer on your cat.
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