Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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