is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I believe in your delicious
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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