she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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